Down with Fraggle Rock

Will Fraggle Rock survive the Doozer incursion?This is a special free-form fight: no rounds, no rules. Just slaughter. It shamelessly butchers the wonderful classic children’s show Fraggle Rock. I could say that I’m doing this out of protest for the in-development Fraggle Rock movie, but I’m really doing it just because I’m a psychotic manchild who likes mayhem. So yeah…Fraggles, Doozers, chaos, let’s go.

The Fight:
Another day in Fraggle Rock. As usual, the Doozers are hard at work building their elaborate constructions which the Fraggles proceed to devour before they’re finished. This is the way it has always been, and it is the way it will always be. Or is it?

Spanner Doozer is returning from vacation, which is something that Doozers are forced upon when they are being punished for bad behavior. On this vacation, his cousin lent him a book that he found very interesting: The Communist Manifesto. Upon returning to Fraggle Rock, Spanner sees things as clear as day: the hard-working Doozers are being oppressed by the freeloading Fraggles. Spanner watches as his brothers’ hard work goes to waste because of the gluttonous Fraggles. Incensed, he gathers together a team of Doozers and starts telling them about Karl Marx’s bullshi…er, I mean “ideology.” The Doozers, simple-minded creatures that they are, eat up the notion of bourgeoisie oppression with a fork and soon. In a matter of days, whispers of a revolution spread through the Doozer ranks. On one fateful day, the Fraggles hear an ominous chanting spreading through their caverns: “Down with Fraggle Rock!”

The battle is quick, brutal, and bloody. A clan of enraged Doozers can cannibalize a cow in 3.4 seconds – mere Fraggles have no chance. Red is first to go down, as she is ambushed while pursuing a possible adventure in the deep caverns. Her remains are tossed forth as a challenge to the rest of the Fraggles just before the Doozer horde unleashes their full fury.

In an attempt to calm the seething swarm, Mokey goes forth alone and tries to make peace with the Doozers, using her peacenik philosophies in hopes of calming the masses. The Doozers counter Mokey’s words with their own philosophies. Being a weak-minded hippie, Mokey is immediately won over by the Doozers and ends up joining their glorious revolution. The Doozer attackers march onward. Boober is too depressed and pessimistic to fight back and ends up dying in the first wave. Wembley is found hiding under his bed, and the Doozers collapse that portion of the cavern on the cowardly Fraggle, killing him. Of the major Fraggles, that leaves only Gobo left. He flees the caverns to pursue one last-ditch plan that might be able to save the day.

Gobo tries one last desperate tactic to stem the tide of Doozer revolution: he confronts the Gorgs, hoping to forge an alliance with them to stop the Doozers. The Gorgs are too dim-witted to see the benefit of allying with the Fraggles, though, and chase Gobo away. Soon after Gobo flees, the Gorgs hear an ominous chanting coming closer:

“Kill your cares away!
Peace is for another day!
Kill your cares away!
Down with Fraggle Rock!”

The Doozers descend upon the Gorgs and lose many of their number in battle with the powerful creatures. However, for every Doozer that falls another three take his place. Not even the Gorgs can stand against such might, and soon the caverns are decorated in their blood.

For a time, the battle seems over, and it appears that the Doozers have completely conquered Fraggle Rock. But then they get a surprise. Gobo’s Uncle Matt, the travelers who has been living among humans for years, returns to see his nephew. He brings with him a curious artifact from the human world called an “automatic rifle.” Seeing the state of disarray that Fraggle Rock is in, Matt goes to town, gunning down Doozers left and right. The Doozers screech in agony as their bloody revolution becomes a bloody defeat. When the smoke clears, Matt is standing atop a small mountain of bullet casings and Doozer corpses.

Fraggle Rock is saved, but at what cost? Gobo requires years of therapy, and Matt himself leaves for “Outer Space” again. The few survivors begin rebuilding – an arduous task without the Doozers. In the darkest recesses of Fraggle Rock, someone notices a small creature stirring, scurrying about in the shadows and collecting the shattered remains of Doozer construction pieces. Maybe it’s just a pack rat. Or maybe some Doozers survived, and the revolution will continue one day soon…


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