Sirena, Empress of Evil

Want to experience the pain for yourself? Click here.

Want to experience the pain for yourself? Click here.

I’m going to spend the next few paragraphs picking apart the old cartoon Superfriends. If you’re a fan of this cartoon and are so rooted in nostalgia that you don’t want to listen to the bountiful complaints about it, then don’t read any further. I myself used to love the show. I had all the action figures and everything (except for the Wonder Twins, who have always sucked). My favorite superhero was the Green Lantern. He had the coolest costume and the power to create anything he could think of with his ring, which really sparks a kid’s imagination. Unfortunately, I recently watched an episode of the Green Lantern’s adventures, and I can now realize how bad that show really was.

The episode is entitled “Sirena, Empress of Evil.” Right off the bat, you meet Sirena, the evil queen of planet Sargasso. You know that the Green Lantern is screwed because her bat-like minions are yellow and GL’s ring can’t affect anything yellow. It’s a pretty lame weakness, and you’d think that he’d be quiet about his one weakness. But no, he always goes around talking about how he is powerless against the color yellow. He even tells his enemies that, and it makes me wonder why the bad guys just don’t assault him with a spray can or a crate of bananas. But that’s another story.

So Sirena’s evil plan is to trap incoming space ships with some sort of weird ray in an attempt to lure the Green Lantern into her trap. I don’t know why she’s going after GL alone, since beating him would undoubtedly draw the attention of Superman, the Flash, Batman, and the rest of the Superfriends. But whatever. Her plan actually works, because she brings down a ship carrying Cairo, the Green Lantern’s Venutian sidekick. I don’t know why GL tries to keep his secret identity as Hal Jordan while keeping a blue-skinned alien as a sidekick, but no one seems to suspect anything. People in comic land are dumb.

So the craft goes spiralling down to the surface of Sargasso. Hal sees it happen remotely and runs outside, exclaiming, “No time to recharge my power ring!” He then says the last half of his Green Lantern’s oath. Now, to recharge the ring all GL has to do is recite one more sentence while holding his ring in front of his green lantern. But there’s no time! No time for a few extra words while preparing for an intergalactic journey that could mean life or death!

Up to now, things are illogical but not too bad. Then things get bad. Really bad. Cairo manages to escape off screen, but Sirena doesn’t care. Now that she’s captured a test pilot, she is sure that Green Lantern will come and try to save them. Yes, because one person thousands of light years away will certainly draw the attention of a superhero who saves millions daily! Especially when many other ships have apparently crashed here and GL hasn’t shown up. Luckily for Sirena, the coincidence that Cairo went down does manage to draw out GL. He flies off to Sargasso and immediately finds Cairo, who must have somehow seen him. I mean, it is an entire freakin’ planet, so it seems odd that GL would instantly find his sidekick. What’s more, Cairo has found a satellite dish that is conveniently within view and is instantly identified as the thing that’s been pulling down all those ships. That damned Venutian must be some sort of rocket scientist.

So GL melts the dish. He could do it in any number of ways, but he chooses to zap it with a green energy beam. Oh yay…that’s fun. He could have created a massive green Godzilla to melt it with radioactive breath, but instead goes with a boring old laser beam. At least he’s being efficient. Sirena of course instantly knows that GL is on the planet, despite the fact that she’s sitting her ass on her throne. “Only Green Lantern could have destroyed my electronamagna wave apparatus.” Oh yeah…Green Lantern or a guy with a flame thrower! Sirena goes up to the window and reveals her devious little plot to capture Green Lantern. She has a special device attuned to GL’s brainwaves that will locate the hero. Then she sends a red bird out after GL. All this time, GL is hanging around with Cairo, jerking off or something. Then the bird flies up and smacks him in the back of the head, knocking him unconscious.

Let me review…the villainess’ evil plan is to have a bird hit the hero in the back of the head. Her goons then drag GL away. Meanwhile, Sirena yells for them to take his ring. That’s right, she yells. GL was right outside her window. She could have thrown a frikkin’ rock and beaned him, but no, she had to use a special ray attuned to his brainwaves. But you can’t argue with results (or can you?). She has GL dragged away to a cell.

Now, you’d think that she’d want to shackle GL or at least restrain him, but she doesn’t. Instead she leaves him in a room with two guards and leaves his power ring lying on the table in front of him. What the fuck??? The ring is the source of all his power!!! Forget the fact that she doesn’t take the nigh-unstoppable ring for her own evil designs, but she leaves it on the goddamned table in front of him!!! An he’s completely unhindered the whole time! Then she goes off to face off against the Guardians of the Universe. For those who don’t know, the Guardians are the ones who give the Green Lanterns their power. Thet’s right, their power. There are 3,600 Green Lanterns in the universe. So she’s gloating about how the Guardians are defenseless, conveniently forgetting that there are 3,599 other loyal defenders, each equipped with an all-powerful ring of their own. What a dumb fucking bitch.

All this while, Cairo is wandering around wondering how to save his boss. One of the Guardians shows up to tell Cairo where GL and his ring are. Once again, the ring is in the same fucking room!!! And apparently the castle is incredibly poorly guarded, because besides the two people in the room with GL and the ring, there’s no one else around to stop Cairo from sneaking up the wall. But the window is too small for him, so he sends in the bird that KOed GL in the first place. That’s right, this is the most disloyal evil alien knockout bird ever (um…yeah). Or maybe he’s realized how fucking dumb his original master is and wants to switch sides. So, at Cairo’s bidding, he slips into the castle and attacks the guards, knocking one of them out and allowing GL to pick up his ring. Once again, the ring is right in front of him! He calls the bird by name, implying that he already knows the bird. So apparently it’s all an elaborate sham. The crazy alien knockout bird is a double agent. Yeah…

I’d like to point out at this point that the guards are completely unarmed. I don’t know what they were going to do if Hal Jordan, an incredibly skilled test pilot, unleashed his mad military skills on them, but they would have been screwed big time. GL escapes with the double agent bird. He tells Cairo to “hop aboard,” which leads to the sidekick riding GL away to freedom in a manner resembling the Ambiguously Gay Duo. GL then fires his ring at the guards, knocking them out with green boxing gloves. For some reason, despite the fact that the guards are all yellow, they go down like Halle Berry looking for work. Now the boxing gloves are hanging immobile in the air. Wave after wave of these guards fly right into them and get knocked out. Then GL wraps them up into a massive ball of bodies for some fucking reason. Probably another excuse to use his ring in an incredibly unimaginative manner.

GL sends Cairo away to release all the prisoners and return to Earth in the test ship. Yeah, the test ship that crashed into the planet!!! Apparently GL is such a fearless test pilot that he likes to hop in busted ass ships and fly through the vacuum of space in them. GL goes after Sirena, and she is surprised that he escaped…for some reason it doesn’t occur to her that she should have fettered him, killed him, or at least not left his ring in the same room as him. A horde of yellow (yes, yellow…GL’s one weakness) attack him, and GL blocks their yellow beams with his ring. He then disables the yellow rockets with his ring that can’t affect yellow, and creates a green lasso to capture the vessel. She screams in fear as he carts her away to the planet Oa and the Guardians of the Universe, where she was going anyway. The Guardians sentence Sirena to galactic confinement. Hopefully she’ll be locked away better than GL was. Back on Earth, GL lets Cairo keep the treacherous bird, saying that he’ll make “a fine mascot.” Hopefully his days of knocking out GL by hitting him in the back of the head are over.

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