Bert versus Ernie

The children know who to trust.We’ve already established Bert as an evil mastermind in the Tick versus Superman fight. Now we get to see the meanest puppet in the world take on his whipping boy, Ernie. Bert has kept his public image rather clean while running the underworld of Sesame Street for years. He is known for his one eyebrow, nasty disposition, and fetish for pigeons. Ernie has been abused by Bert for years. His only retaliation has been the occasional tearing off of Bert’s nose, for which he received severe beating once out of the view of the public. Ernie is arguably the most wholesome persona on Sesame Street (you don’t even want to know the type of stuff Elmo’s into…), and has kept his sanity for all these years thanks to the constant companionship of his Rubber Duckie.

Round One:
Bert has a history of being abusive to his “pal” Ernie. One day, Ernie decides to relax with a nice, soothing bubble bath with his Rubber Duckie. After climbing into the bathtub, Ernie searches for Duckie, only to find it lying on the toilet seat, a bloody stump protruding where once there was a head. Howling in rage and sadness, Ernie doesn’t notice as Bert sneaks up behind him and nudges an electrical appliance in the tub. Ernie escapes horribly scorched and barely breathing, much to Bert’s evil amusement. Round One goes to Bert.

Round Two:
Deeply scarred by the loss of his best friend in the world, Ernie becomes consumed with anger and a want for revenge. He proceeds to tear the wings off each and every pigeon on or around Sesame Street in an attempt to drive Bert over the edge. Bert quickly deduces what Ernie is up to, however, and tries to beat Ernie into submission. Unlike before, Ernie will not be subdued by this soulless beast. Ignoring the force of Bert’s blows and powered by an incredible surge of adrenalin, Ernie proceeds to tear not only Bert’s nose off, but his ears, eyes, and eyebrow as well. As Bert recoils in pain, Ernie swallows each and every facial feature he has stolen and leaps onto Bert like a madman, crying “For Duckie!!!” Bert runs like scared rabbit as Ernie nearly tears the stuffing completely out of him. Round Two goes to Ernie.

Round Three:
After disappearing for a month and undergoing some plastic surgery to replace his lost facial features, Bert returns to Sesame Street to see it prospering in his absence. By this time, Ernie has developed a close bond to Big Bird, who reminds him so much of his beloved Rubber Duckie. Bert wastes no time in hiring a small army of evil henchmen. These mercenaries soon raze Sesame Street and hold it in a perpetual state of terror. To finish Bert off once and for all, Ernie allies with the next meanest muppet on the block, Oscar the Grouch. Oscar sends filth-ridden doom to the army of mercenaries, setting the stage for a final confrontation between Bert and Ernie. A coward at heart, Bert flees Sesame Street via the sewers, but is carried off by the by sewer rats hired by Oscar, screaming. His fate is uncertain. The round and the fight go to Ernie, thanks to Oscar’s help.


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