An Open Letter to Kevin Spacey

You're too pretty for your own good, Kevin.Dear Mr. Spacey,

Can I call you Kevin?

Dear Kevin,

I hate you.

Please allow me to elaborate.

I know that we have never met, and that you probably wouldn’t recognize me if we ever did meet. I realize that, therefore, my unadulterated dislike for you may seem a bit irrational…maybe even idiotic. Yeah, it would be just like you to insult me without knowing me, wouldn’t it you jerk? Well, if you’re going to call me an idiot, then at least I’ll be an idiot with an unreasonable amount of contempt for you.

I have known for quite some time that you have a tremendous acting talent. The first movie I saw you in was L.A. Confidential, which blew my mind with its incredible cast. But I figured that maybe you were simply the product of an amazing supporting group. Sort of like how Ben Affleck looks good in Dogma because there are so many other real actors in the film. But enough about unmotivated attacks on Mr. Affleck. This is about you.

In years to come, I would see much more of your work and more properly guage your level of talent. You excelled in The Usual Suspects, American Beauty, K-Pax, and Seven. You even turned otherwise bland films such as The Big Kahuna and A Bug’s Life into something entertaining. Those Oscars of yours? Very well-deserved. I must admit, I thought very highly of you.

And then I watched Beyond the Sea.

My wife and I purchased the film to complete our collection of biographies of dead asshole musicians, which has become a huge fad in recent years. It goes right next to Ray and De-Lovely in our collection. The film can even claim to be the earliest of the group, setting the trend, as you had apparently worked on it since 1987. And make no mistake, it’s wonderful.

So what’s the problem? Well Kevin, you’re the problem. You’re too damned talented.

Normally, I have no problem with people who are more talented than I am. It’s a fact of life that they’re out there. After all, I am decidedly mediocre in just about everything that I do. But everybody else has their limits. Judy Dench is a stellar actress but doesn’t have the physical looks anymore. Danny DeVito is incredibly short. Tom Cruise is a burned out husk of a man who died long ago and is puppeted by Satan himself. But you, oh you just go beyond all boundaries, don’t you? It’s not enough to be able to just act well, is it? No, you have to do it all.

In Beyond the Sea, who not only acted and directed, but you co-wrote the script. And then, because you had to have it all, you did your own singing and dancing. And you did it all perfectly.

There are a few things that I pride myself on, and you shattered all of my dreams of being the best in anything. I feel that I have strength as a writer, but that’s nothing compared to the masterful dialogue and plot that you wrote in that screenplay. I got an A+ in my dance class, but no matter how much rehearsing I do, I’ll never match your grace. I’m just glad that you haven’t done any porn films, because then I’d find out that you have a bigger penis than I do.

Oh, and then I find out that you do impressions, too. That’s just not right, sir. Quite simply, you’ve upset the natural order. People need to be bad at something. They need to have limits. You have none. Even though I hate you, you take parts that wind up with you being killed by the end of the film, trying to give me some schadenfreud-like satisfaction. But I know that you’re a sadist at heart. Why else would you take the part of Lex Luthor in Superman Returns? You knew damned well that I was gearing up to hate that movie, but I had to go see it because you were in it. And surprise, surprise…even though most of the movie was bland, you nailed the hell out of Lex Luthor even though you were stuck with material that looked like Gene Hackman’s leftovers.

In short, we have to be enemies from this day forward. I know that I’ll never be able to claim a victory over you; how could I, when you’re superior to me in every way? But for the good of all, I have to at least try. Otherwise there will be no one standing up to your obvious superiority over the rest of the human race. I hope you understand and spare me any high-minded rationality that might change my mind.

Yours in bitterness,

Charlie Brooks

P.S.- Oh Kevin, I can’t stay mad at you!

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