In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit of a comic book fan, particularly when it comes to superhero comics. One franchise that has never quite clicked with me, though, is the X-Men. I loved the 90s TV series and enjoy two and a half of the movies, but beyond that I’ve never really gotten into the franchise. Am I mutant-phobic? Does Wolverine origin as a Hulk villain leave me naturally predisposed against them? Or does the franchise have some serious flaws that keep people like me away? Here are the main reasons I just don’t get the X-Men.
Archive for X-Men
I’ve only got one review up on CMRO this week, but at least it’s a decent comic this time. For those who thought that World War Hulk should be about the Hulk smashing some things, here’s the Hulk beating up on the X-Men. All the X-Men.
In non-review news, my short story “My Fair Lady” will be popping up in character i. Stay tuned!
Superhero comics are filled with daddy issues. Be it parents who have died as part of a character’s origin story, abusive stepfathers, or children who are somehow their own father, a lot of superhero comics place focus on the importance of father figures. Here’s my list of the most awesome and heartwarming father-child moments in superhero comics. All of these moments, of course, get the asterisk next to them that good parenting in comic-land is vastly different than good parenting in the real world. For example, Batman serves as a father figure to Robin, but in real life he’d be considered a monster for putting a child in harm’s way every night. So, placing on our reality-altering filters that allow spandex-clad vigilantes to be considered responsible figures, let’s dive into the list.
Comic book deaths are a punchline these days. A few years ago when Captain America died, no one expected the death to last more than two years, even though Marvel swore up and down that it would stick (sort of like how Spider-Man unmasking during Civil War was supposed to stick and not get retconned away thanks to a deal with the Devil). Despite the fact that a comic book death currently translates into little more than a cheap sales gimmick, there have still been some really good ones over the years. Even if they didn’t stick, they were chilling, touching, or otherwise hugely influential. What follows is my totally biased opinion of the best deaths comics has had to offer.
As the Chuck Norris myth spreads across the Internet, I have readily an unashamedly jumped on the bandwagon. I guess you could call me a sellout by doing so, but since I’m not making any actual money from it, the term wouldn’t quite be accurate. I’m just a guy who likes his Internet fads, and Chuck Norris has replaced the whole “All your base are belong to us” thing as my inside joke. I’m sure by next year my obsessions will shift to some sort of joke about a dwarf monkey smoking a cigar or something, but for right now I’m going to milk as much entertainment value as possible from Mr. Norris. If you don’t like it, just smile and nod, and I’ll eventually forget all about it. Anyway, the running gag right now is that Chuck Norris is simply the manliest man about. He’s no Bruce Campbell yet, but he’s carved out his own share of impressive wins. Now he’ll be taking on ten fighters, in the pattern previously established by Shaft and Furious George.
Round Sixty-One: Shirley Temple
Seeking to end Bruce Campbell’s rampage, his enemies send out their secret weapon: a cloned version of a young Shirley Temple. They figure that Bruce will die of cuteness exposure given enough of the young blonde’s singing and dancing. However, Bruce is in the midst of the Biggest Damned Fight Ever and is not about to pause for entertainment now. He walks right by Shirley Temple without giving her a second look. This causes her to try harder to gain his attention, tapdancing more and more ferociously. Bruce continues to ignore her, and Shirley Temple sits and pouts. However, since neither side actually started fighting, we’ll have to move on to another round and decide the outcome of this one later. Round Sixty-One has yet to be decided.
The Z Fighters are uber powerful anime characters from the extremely long series Dragonball Z, while the X-Men are a group of mutant superheroes from the extremely large franchise of the same name. Since both teams have too many members for me to care to write about, the fight will be narrowed down between the following eight contestants:
Vegeta versus Wolverine (again…and this time I won’t cop out of it like I did last time)
Krillin versus Professor Xavier
Gohan versus Rogue
Goku versus Cyclops
The fight will follow the same rules as the Knights of the Dinner Table versus the Fantastic Four battle that I did some time ago.
A lot of people seem to have been waiting for this fight, since I’ve received multiple emails asking for me to put it up. It also generated 42 votes on my poll – the most I’ve ever received – and started a ridiculous little thread on the poll about whether or not it’s okay to get beaten up by a girl. Anyway, now’s when I decide to shit all over everyone’s expectations with my own version of this battle. In one corner we have Vegeta, the super-powered saiyan from Dragonball Z. In the other we have Wolverine, one of the most popular comic book characters of all time. Initially introduced as a foe of the Incredible Hulk, Wolverine’s popularity has skyrocketed to insane levels to the point where he is almost unbeatable in the realm of comic books. But that realm does not necessarily extend to this page…
The greatest minds in the Marvel Universe are complete morons.
In 2005, Marvel ran a series of issues featuring the Illuminati, an elite group of superheroes who had banded together following an intergalactic war. They were to stay in the background, using their combined intellect and altruism to guide the world in the name of good. The problem was, unfortunately, that every one of these greatest minds was an immoral douchebag.
The Illuminati consisted of Black Bolt, Doctor Strange, Iron Man, Namor the Sub-Mariner, Mr. Fantastic, and Professor X. Let’s take a moment to review their respective accomplishments in the Marvel Universe. Continue reading