Hail to the Kings
Given my simple mind and penchant for running jokes, I can easily run out of ideas for specific fighters, especially ones that get going on long win streaks. This trend started with Bruce Campbell, who went 7-0 in a series of fights before I threw him into The Biggest Damned Fight Ever as a farewell. Following the precedent set by Bruce, this section is set aside for those rare fighters who take on all comers, beat them brutally, and walk off into the sunset undefeated.
To earn a place in this section, fighters need to do two things: they need to have at least seven wins while also remaining undefeated during that time, and they need to have at least some of those wins come from the Contest of Champions section. You can’t be a king without first being a champion.
Hail to the king, baby.
Bruce Campbell:
Bruce Campbell is the first combatant to reach a sterling 7-0 win record. A self-proclaimed B-movie actor, he is the star of such excellent cult movies as The Evil Dead and Bubba Ho-Tep. He was also in several TV series, including The Adventures of Brisco County Jr., Jack of All Trades, and a guest shot on The X-Files. He made his first appearance on the page fighting Superman. It’s no surprise that he won, since at the time Supes was serving as the official fall guy for the fights page. However, he went on to face some mighty foes in the Contest of Champions, and defeated all of them soundly, while taking a little holiday to whup Hitler as well. After retiring undefeated, he took on a whopping one hundred foes in The Biggest Damned Fight Ever, again coming out unbeaten.
Today, Bruce Campbell is traveling the world autographing his autobiography If Chins Could Kill and waiting for the next great peril to strike so that he might come out of retirement and show off his fighting skills once again.
Bruce Campbell’s Victories:
- Superman
- Adolf Hitler
- Christopher Walken
- The Tick
- King Kong
- Doctor Evil
- Steve Buscemi
- The Biggest Damned Fight Ever
No one can ever come up with a good comeback to that line.
Abraham Lincoln:
The 16th president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln had amazing success in the arena, particularly when one considers that politicians generally get slaughtered there. Lincoln, of course, stands out for his ability to almost single-handedly hold the United States together during the Civil War. He also knew how to play Congress like a fiddle. Most importantly, though, he was in the classic comic book Tales from the Bully Pulpit, where he fights Hitler on Mars. While Hitler had the good sense to avoid Lincoln in the ring, Honest Abe did amass seven impressive victories of his own before retiring undefeated.
Today, Abraham Lincoln could be anywhere. He traveled space and time during his series of fights, and even though he is believed to have retired back to the 19th century, is there ever really any knowing where he might pop up next?
Abraham Lincoln’s Victories:
Their animated versions are no less awesome.
Adam West and Patrick Stewart:
Teaming up due to the fact that they both happen to play the funniest characters on Family Guy and American Dad, respectively, Adam West and Patrick Stewart embarked upon a series of zany adventures in the Tag Team Arena and the Ultimate Tag Team Tournament, ultimately rising to the top of 64 pairings to emerge victorious. Although their accomplishments came mostly in the tournament format, they are no less impressive.
- John Stewart and Stephen Colbert
- Gumby and Pokey (The Starting 64, Round 9)
- Robin Hood and Little John (The Top 32, Round 8 )
- Gandalf and Shadowfax (The Savage Sixteen, Round 7)
- Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie (The Eviscerating Eight, Round 4)
- Superman and Batman (The Ferocious Four, Round 2)
- Calvin and Hobbes (The Final Battle)
Honorable mention goes to the Cheat for kicking Bruce Campbell in the balls.
The Cheat:
The Cheat is Strongbad’s sidekick from Homestar- runner.com. He’s only appeared in two fights, but managed the noteworthy feat of standing toe to toe against Bruce Campbell and fighting him to a draw – something no one else has accomplished. Thus, with his one win and one draw in two fights, the Cheat has already achieved virtual immortality on this web site.
Today the Cheat bounces back and forth as a professional sidekick, alternately aiding his buddy Strongbad and Bruce Campbell, from whom he garnered a degree of respect due to his ability to withstand a good kicking. When he’s not acting as somebody’s sidekick, he’s making music videos and selling them to me so I can pass them off as my own work.
The Cheat’s Fights:
