The Ultimate Tag Team Tournament: The Starting 64
And so we begin the Ultimate Tag Team Tournament. We kick off with 32 rounds of chaos, which will weed out the lower rung right off the bat.
Round One: Wallace and Gromit versus Pinky and the Brain
Wallace and Gromit have been hired as pest control at Acme Labs, which is having trouble with a pair of lab mice gone rogue. The mice are, naturally, Pinky and the Brain. The two duos initially take each other on based on IQ, but that leaves Gromit and the Brain facepalming repeatedly as they witness the illogical verbal merry go-round that is Wallace talking to Pinky. It goes something like this:
And so on.
To solve this dilemma, Gromit and the Brain put a hold on their battle to take out the intellectual midgets of the pair. Gromit sets a mirror in front of Pinky, convincing him that there’s another lab mouse in the area, and Pinky strikes up a conversation with his reflection. While Pinky is suitably distracted, Gromit gets an encyclopedia and crushes him. He then goes back to face off against the Brain.
Unfortunately for Gromit, the Brain has used the temporary distraction to gain a sizeable advantage. Wallace, despite his idiocy, is an inventor, even though most of his gadgets have horrible bugs in them. The Brain is also an inventor and a genius, and while Wallace was yammering about cheese, the Brain took control of some of his inventions and jury rigged the bugs out of them. The result is that Wallace’s Techno-Trousers have been used as a key building piece in an atomic powered death-bot piloted by the Brain. The invention breaks down quickly, but not quickly enough for Wallace and Gromit to avoid being disintegrated. The Brain then drags Pinky’s half-conscious body out of the area, making sure that his tag-team partner will be rested and ready for the next bracket. Winner: Pinky and the Brain.
Round Two: Kermit and Miss Piggy versus the Dukes of Hazzard
Kermit and Miss Piggy are trying to resurrect The Muppet Show and are running a quick rehearsal when the Duke boys crash the General Lee through the theatre wall. Kermit is willing to wait for an explanation, but Miss Piggy’s legendary short temper goes off and she attacks immediately. The Dukes attempt to back the General Lee out of the hole in the wall, but before they can switch gears, Miss Piggy is upon them, delivering a mighty karate chop to the hood and smashing the engine. This sends Bo Duke into a rage, since no one gets to harm the General Lee. He hops out the car window and goes after Miss Piggy, planning on making her squeal…um…like a pig.
Kermit, naturally, is obligated to protect the woman he loves cares for somewhat but is romantically terrified of. He leaps into the fray, but Luke steps forward to protect his brother and punts Kermit across the theatre. Kermit’s a bit of a pantywaist and stays down. Miss Piggy is not such pushover, though, and fights on. With a triumphant “Hi-yaa!” she smacks Bo Duke in the gut and leaves him gasping for air. Luke rushes to his brother’s rescue, and is able to fight Miss Piggy to a standstill due to the fact that he’s an ex-Marine. (Seriously…I looked that up.) While even a former Marine can’t take down an enraged Miss Piggy, it does buy Bo enough time to give the old “thump thump fixed” treatment to the General Lee – i.e., he hits it a couple times and it magically comes back to life. Bo then plows into Miss Piggy, taking her out and allowing Luke to hop back into the car. Them damned Duke boys speed up a conveniently placed ramp, and the round ends with them in mid-air. Winner: The Dukes of Hazzard.
Round Three: Mr. Peabody and Sherman versus Gandalf and Shadowfax
Sherman has too many pixie sticks one day and, while on a sugar high, messes around with the Wayback Machine. As a result, the next trip that Mr. Peabody takes him on winds up warping space-time and causing multiple different universes to collide. Gandalf the White shows up with his trusty steed Shadowfax to try and solve the trouble, immediately discerning that the Wayback Machine is the problem. Gandalf tries to destroy the Wayback Machine, but Mr. Peabody isn’t about to let his life’s work go down the tubes, no matter what’s at stake. He got his tenure at MIT with that machine, and he’s not about to give it up! Naturally, a fight must ensue.
Mr. Peabody is not about to engage the badass wizard, so he sends in Sherman to do his dirty work. Gandalf also isn’t about to kill a boy, no matter how annoying he his…so he has Shadowfax do it instead. The horse kicks Sherman in the head, and the pet boy goes down. I won’t say he’s dead, as that would cause some concern amongst those who don’t wish to see even an animated child slaughtered senselessly on this page. Instead, I’ll say that he’s…lacking a pulse due to bone fragments lodged into his brain and central nervous system.
Alarmed, Mr. Peabody activates a little-known emergency function of the Wayback Machine that turns it into a giant death-bot. Yes, that’s two giant death-bots in three rounds…sorry I didn’t work one into the Muppets and rednecks round above. Anyway, Gandalf’s magic is lacking against the giant death-bot, so he channels the actor who plays him in the Lord of the Rings films. Ian McKellen is both Gandalf and Magneto, so if you’re challenging one, you’re challening both. (And if you’re challenging Ian McKellen…well, who knows what other badass roles he might have up his sleeve?) Using his newfound magnetism powers, Gandalf crushes the giant death-bot with Mr. Peabody inside. I won’t say he’s dead to spare the feelings of those who don’t wish even an animated dog to be slaughtered on this page. I’ll just say he’s…a compact mixture of blood and pulp that is best used as worm food. Winner: Gandalf and Shadowfax.
Round Four: The Blues Brothers versus Jack Lemmon and Walter Mathau
The Blues Brothers are out of jail and have found a new place, which just happens to be next to the cranky duo of Jack Lemmon and Walter Mathau. The two old guys get upset at the loud music the Blues Brothers play all hours of the night, as well as the fact that Carrie Fisher routinely shows up to try and kill them. Eventually, they decide to have it out with the musicians. Walter Mathau takes on Joliet Jake, while Jack lemmon squares off against Elwood. Unfortunately for Walter Mathau, Jake is remarkably spry for a fat guy, and manages to backflip out of range of the golf club Mathau is trying to beat him down with. Elwood, meanwhile, rummages through his bag of blues and comes up with some aerosol spray and a lighter, torching Jack Lemmon. Lemmon, always a masterful comedian even when especially when he’s on fire, goes flailing about and careens into Walter Mathau, also lighting his partner on fire. In essence, Jack Lemmon has just sacrificed a chance at victory for a chance to make others laugh…what a trooper. The Blues Brothers hop into the Bluesmobile and speed off while Jack and Walter beat out the flames. Before the battle can be renewed, Carrie Fisher shows up and fires several missiles into the area, missing the Blues Brothers but taking out poor Jack Lemmon and Walter Mathau. Winner: The Blues Brothers.
Round Five: Robin Hood and Little John versus Jay and Silent Bob
Jay and Silent Bob have come to Sherwood Forest because they were told it has some really good pot. They are also flush with cash from their string of movies, making them a key target for Robin and his Merry Men. Unfortunately, all the rest of the Merry Men are on a Merry Strike for not getting their Merry Wages and Merry Health Care. Little John, ever loyal to Robin, is still by his side, though. Robin Hood and Little John show up to rob from Jay and Silent Bob, but the duo from New Jersey won’t have any of it. Jay charges Robin Hood and manages to knock him over with his blonde berserker fury. Silent Bob tackles Little John, but don’t let the name fool you…he’s really quite huge. (Somebody give Mel Brooks his dollar.) Little John throws Silent Bob effortlessly through the woods.
Robin is getting pounded on by angry Jay, but Little John comes to Robin’s rescue while Silent Bob starts rummaging through his jacket looking for a useful gadget for the situation. Little John hauls Jay off of Robin, but the wiry Jay manages to squirm free and go after Robin again. By then, though, Robin has grabbed his bow and arrows and uses them to deftly ventilate Jay. Pointy sharp things beat out stoner rage.
Meanwhile, Silent Bob finally finds something useful…a really good joint. He decides that smoking up is much more preferable than taking on two men with swords and bows, and promptly heads back to New Jersey. Winner: Robin Hood and Little John.
Round Six: Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie versus Bill and Ted
Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie have decided that they want to take over America. Their first target: Bill and Ted, thus preventing a Utopian future where rock and roll rules the world. The most obvious way to defeat the duo is with a musical duel. Bill and Ted go first, and wow the crowd with their…thing…which I guess can be described in late 80s California slang as “Most excellent.” Fry and Laurie respond with their own brain of late 80s music, donning the identities of the Bishop and the Warlord from their show A Bit of Fry and Laurie. It goes something like this:
When the crowd is unimpressed with the British duo, they leap at Bill and Ted and proceed to beat the two into unconsciousness with guitars. Bill and Ted would fight back, but air guitars make for a surprisingly poor weapon. Winner: Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie.
Round Seven: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde versus Skeletor and Panthor
Skeletor has finally partly unlocked the secrets of Castle Grayskull and gained the ability to travel through different dimensions. As a test, he chooses not to finally destroy He-Man, but rather to end the cancer of bad acting that is David Hasselhoff. Specifically, as my wife Sarah will gladly point out quite loudly, Hasselhoff single-handedly ruined forever the Broadway production of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by bringing his special brand of non-acting to the stage. Skeletor is out to do a good deed by destroying Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, thus preventing Hasselhoff from ever hassling those who like good acting in good musicals.
Skeletor pops up in Dr. Jekyll’s laboratory just as Jekyll drinks his elixir and begins his first transformation. He orders trusty Panthor to devour Jekyll, but Panthor accidentally smashes through some test tubes as he leaps toward the transforming doctor, accidentally swallowing some of the formula as he does so. While the potion turns mild-mannered Jekyll into evil Mr. Hyde, it has the opposite effect on Panthor, transforming the panther to a cute little kitten.
Mr. Hyde emerges and cackles gleefully at being free. Skeletor decides that he’s had enough of this and pulls out his sword, decapitating Mr. Hyde. Lesson learned: the evil inside us all can still be defeated by chopping the head from the body. Winner: Skeletor and Panthor.
Round Eight: Danger Mouse and Penfold versus Fred and Wilma Flintstone
Through an accident of fate and science, Danger Mouse and Penfold find themselves launched back in time to the Stone Age. They wind up in the home of the Flintstones, where Wilma notices them and immediately gives a shriek, jumping up on a table and playing the 60s sitcom female role of being afraid of mice. Fred comes to the rescue, trying to stomp on Danger Mouse and Penfold, but the pair elude him and escape into the closet. Fred opens the closet, and his bowling ball rolls out off the top shelf, dropping onto his head and knocking him out cold. Danger Mouse and Penfold do what any rational person would do when dealing with an unconscious caveman: they pull out pens and write lewd phrases on his face. They then dart toward the front door, planning on regrouping and figuring out a way back to their own time. But Wilma is not about to let her husband’s injury go unpunished; she picks up Fred’s bowling ball and rolls it toward the rodents. We get a nice Indiana Jones-style shot of Danger Mouse and Penfold running away from the huge stone bowling ball, but they don’t manage to jump out of the way in time and wind up crushed under its weight. Fred recovers shortly afterwards and praises Wilma for her excellent throw, while secretly shamed that his wife is apparently a better bowler than he is. Winner: Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Round Nine: Gumby and Pokey versus Adam West and Patrick Stewart
Gumby and Pokey enter into a horse race in hopes of winning some money for toys, but they come in a distant third behind a tie between the Batmobile driven by Adam West and the Enterprise piloted by Patrick Stewart. They ride over to the judges and object that neither vehicle should qualify for a horse race. However, the judges give Adam West and Patrick Stewart a joint award anyway, just because they’re so damned awesome. An irate Gumby and Pokey then attack West and Stewart, seeking to take an award that is rightfully theirs.
Pokey takes on Adam West, while Gumby goes for Patrick Stewart. Pokey spins around and kicks out at Adam West with his back legs, but Adam catches the legs, spins the clay horse in a circle, and tosses him across the track. He then throws a log cabin on top of Pokey, squashing him. (Yes, I’m continuing with the log cabin joke from The Life and Times of Adam West. So there.)
Meanwhile, Patrick Stewart tries to knock Gumby out of a fight, but the greenish-blue clay man is hard to hit. He skates around quite nimbly, dodging most blows, and his clay body absorbs what punches do land quite well. Things look bad for Patrick Stewart until he remembers that he has a starship nearby. Patrick Stewart beams aboard the Enterprise, flies above the racetrack, and blasts the place with photon torpedos, wiping out everybody there…except Adam West, who speeds away from the blaze in the Batmobile while fireballs explode behind him. Winner: Adam West and Patrick Stewart.
Round Ten: George and Jane Jetson versus Han Solo and Luke Skywalker
Meet George Jetson
His boy Elroy
The Millennium Falcon, blasting his car into a fireball and leaving him for dead!
Han Solo and Luke Skywalker have apparently been playing too many violent video games and have gone from overthrowing a malevolent dictatorial empire to performing Grand Theft Auto-style drivebys on unsuspecting cartoon characters. As Elroy and Judy have already been blasted off to school, it’s up to George and Jane to defend themselves. George takes Han because they’re both the guys who most frequently fly their respective spaceships, while Jane takes on Luke. And…well…the Jetsons are a middle-class worker and a housewife taking on a starship pilot and a Jedi master. Han shoots George down with a laser blast, and Luke uses the Jedi mind trick to convince Jane to give up on the fight and go shopping instead…a suggestion she’s quite keen on carrying out. Maybe if they had that robot maid handy, the Jetsons would have a chance…but Han then parks the Millennium Falcon on top of the robot maid, just to be sure. Winner: Han Solo and Luke Skywalker
Round Eleven: The Karate Kid and Mr. Miyagi versus Lion-O and Snarf
Yes, there is a karate tournament between these characters. No, it does not involve Jackie Chan or Will Smith’s kid. That movie never happened. Shut up.
Thanks to Mr. Miyagi’s training, Daniel-san is more than a match hand-to-hand for both Lion-O and Snarf…until Lion-O unleashes his secret weapon of punting Snarf from a range into Daniel-san’s skull. What, you thought the picture above was just a result of my deep-seeded hatred for Snarf from hours upon hours of watching an otherwise tolerable show and having it constantly ruined by, “Snarf snarf snarffity snarf snarf” when I was a kid? You think that made me psycho or something? You think you’re better than me just because you don’t have Snarf-induced flashbacks that require heavy medication and electroshock therapy to get over?! HUH?! HUH?!
Hi, this is Sarah and I’ll be finishing out this round, as my husband is twitching uncontrollably in a corner while muttering, “Thundercats, ho.”
So, let’s see what we’ve got here…hm…well, it seems that Daniel-san was taken out of action by a punted Snarf, which also caused Snarf to black out. So that leaves Mr. Miyagi and Lion-O. Lion-O’s best bet to win is to pull out his sword and go, “Thundercats, Thundercats, Thundercats HO!” but Mr. Miyagi is much faster than a cartoon cut scene. While Lion-O is preparing to bring on the Thundercats theme song, Mr. Miyagi slaps him so silly that he loses the ability to speak vowels…thus preventing him from saying “Thundercats HO!”
Wow…that was easy. I should write these fights more often. Now to call my husband’s therapist. Winner: The Karate Kid and Mr. Miyagi.
Round Twelve: Sonic and Tails versus the Ambiguously Gay Duo
There could be any one of a million reasons why this fight takes place. By any superhero’s contract, he is required to fight other heroes at least five times every year. So I guess these guys are filling a quota.
The Ambiguously Gay Duo has ambiguously gay powers, but Sonic and Tails have seriously gay powers. Seriously. I did an image search for the above picture of them, and it scarred my brain. This was on moderate Safe Search. Just to be clear people, a blue hedgehog taking a two-tailed fox from behind is not okay. Do not make me go and get Sarah to finish this round, too!
Anyway, while Tails is puzzled by the question of whether these guys are really gay or not, Sonic is far too speed-obsessed to slow down and ponder such questions. He buzzes around Ace and Gary attacking them with spin dashes and eliciting banter such as the following from the Ambiguously Gay duo.
“He’s too fast and making me sore!”
“Those spines are hard and prickly!”
“Ow! He tapped my ass!”
The innuendo makes Tails’ head explode. This gives Ace and Gary an advantage, which they press by punching Sonic and causing him to lose his rings. The sudden scattering of pretty gold jewelry distracts the Ambiguously Gay Duo (because gays are feminine and obsessed with jewelry, hurr derr hurr), allowing Sonic the time to rebound and spin dash straight through them. The Ambiguously Gay duo feel like they’ve just been rammed by a freight train and go down. Yeah, I went there. Winner: Sonic and Tails.
Round Thirteen: The Green Hornet and Kato versus Freddie Kreuger and Jason Voorhees
The Green Hornet and Kato are out to hunt down the supernatural killers Freddie and Jason. To confront Freddie, the Green Hornet goes to sleep and hunts him down across a dreamscape. Meanwhile, Kato goes to Camp Crystal Lake to confront Jason. Each of them unfortunately make the mistake of taking on the monsters on their own turf – the Green Hornet’s gadgets and deductive abilities are useless in a land dominated by dream logic, and Freddie slashes him nearly to death. Meanwhile, Jason has a machete and knows the terrain around Crystal Lake better than an unarmed Kato. Much to Jason’s surprise, though, his advantages are negated by the sheer amount of ass that Kato can kick. Kato gives Jason the beating of his life using good old fashioned martial artistry, and then punches through reality to get a nut-shot on Freddie in the dream world. Remember kids, Kato is played by Bruce Lee, and Bruce Lee can punch through reality. Winner: The Green Hornet and Kato.
Round Fourteen: Galactus and the Silver Surfer versus David Bowie and Freddie Mercury
Galactus comes to devour Earth for the 9,783rd time, bringing the Silver Surfer in tow with him as his herald. Only David Bowie and a Freddie Mercury who has been resurrected with voodoo magic stand in their way. David Bowie rushes off to the tallest radio tower he can find, using his amazing singing ability to temporarily distract the devourer of worlds while Freddie Mercury leaps into action against the Silver Surfer. Armed with the power cosmic, it is child’s play for the Surfer to undo the enchantments that have restored Freddie Mercury to life and send him back to the chilly depths of his tragic and premature death. However, Freddie has an ace up his sleeve. Before the Surfer can fully tap into the power cosmic, Freddie Mercury unleashes the power fabulous on him. As the most over-the-top, fabulous man in the history of the world, the concentration of effeminate awesomeness within Freddie’s body unleashes a blinding flash of light that dazzles the Surfer, preventing him from tapping into his full power. Overwhelmed by Freddie Mercury, the Surfer realizes that Earth must be allowed to live and switches sides to join with the two British singers.
Meanwhile, Galactus finally breaks away from David Bowie’s rendition of “A Space Oddity” to start devouring Earth again. The Silver Surfer faces off against his old master, but is handily beaten down and left on the brink of death. As his last act, he transfers the remainder of his power cosmic to David Bowie and Freddie Mercury. With cosmic power, Bowie and Mercury break into a massive rock ballad that compels even mighty Galactus to leave Earth and never return…for real this time. Winner: David Bowie and Freddie Mercury.
Round Fifteen: John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes versus Sam Gamgee and Frodo Baggins
John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes are engaged in a theological debate with prominent Middle Earth-ian figures Samwise Gamgee and Frodo Baggins. Unfortunately, Calvin makes the assertion that God has it in his heart to forgive Sauron despite his total depravity, as by nature all beings are corrupt and self-serving, but that God is capable of showing mercy even to the most totally depraved individuals. This sets Frodo off in a fit of rage, since he spent a lot of time suffering due to Sauron’s machinations. Sam mindlessly follows Frodo’s lead, and we switch from philosophy to a much more entertaining fight to the death.
Before the fight can even begin, John Calvin slams his head repeatedly against a nearby stone wall for no apparent reason. This is because of the cosmic level of ignorance I have already shown in summarizing even one of thepoints of Calvinism, which is likely so off-base that it sends poor John Calvin into a mindless fit of rage. That’s what happens when the extent of my research is a high school history class combined with a brief search of Wikipedia. Due to this distraction, Frodo is able to stab John Calvin to death with Sting.
Hobbes, not willing to fight against a pair of murderous midgets, instead tries to compose a social contract with the hobbits in which there is an absolute sovereign whose rule is based on the consent of the people. Unfortunately, when he says, “One king,” the hobbits mistake this for, “One ring,” and attack. Hobbes is promptly slaughtered, and later begins turning over in his grave as he, too, is subject to my vast oversimplification of his fairly complex and well-reasoned philosophical statements. Winner: Sam Gamgee and Frodo Baggins.
Round Sixteen: Calvin and Hobbes versus Charlie Brown and Snoopy
In the battle for funny page supremacy, only one child and animal pairing can survive. Calvin takes on Charlie Brown, while Hobbes takes on Snoopy. Charlie Brown, unfortunately, has severe clinical depression. Now, as a person who also suffers from clinical depression, I know that there is nothing funny about this disorder…unless Stupendous Man is punching you repeatedly in the spleen. Which is what’s happening right now, so we can all laugh at Charlie Brown’s pain…just like everyone else throughout the poor boy’s life has.
Now that we’re all awful people who are going to Hell, let’s move over to Hobbes and Snoopy and see how that fight is going.
Let’s consider things here. Snoopy is a beagle with a wild imagination that has led him to many amazing adventures, including time as a combat pilot. Hobbes has a similarly wild imagination thanks to his many adventures with Calvin. Plus, Hobbes happens to be a wild tiger, which has a sizeable combat advantage to a normal beagle. So, the obvious winner of this fight is…Snoopy, who shoots Hobbes down by virtue of being a terrific combat pilot. However, Calvin comes to his tiger’s rescue as Spaceman Spiff, using his advanced imaginary spaceship to shoot down Snoopy’s retro imaginary plane. Then Hobbes gets back up and eats Snoopy. Winner: Calvin and Hobbes.
Round Seventeen: Punch and Judy versus Gregory House and James Wilson
House and Wilson are called in to deal with the bizarre domestic pair Punch and Judie. Why a diagnostician and an oncologist instead of a psychologist or a marriage counselor? Because the soap opera antics of Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital allow the two doctors to deal with just about anything.
So House and Wilson arrive to investigate the ruckus at Punch and Judy’s house. House sends in Wilson first, and Wilson goes in without hesitation because he’s such a patsy. Wilson promptly gets knocked about by Judy’s stick as he tries to keep her from smacking her husband around for not properly babysitting their child. Wilson gets beaten silly and stumbles out of the house with a Looney Tunes-esque, “Which way did they go George? Which way did they go?” before falling face-first into unconsciousness. So, naturally, it’s up to House to save the day the only way how…with drugs. (Okay, I know he’s off the drugs in more recent seasons, but I stopped watching before he went through rehab, so I’m just going with what I know here.) House hands out some Vicodin to Punch and Judy, calming them down and taking the sting off of poor Punch’s lumpy head. Then, when the lightweights are down, House brains each of them with his cane. Winner: Gregory House and James Wilson.
Round Eighteen: Sherlock Holmes and John Watson versus Ronald McDonald and Grimace
As normal in this bout, Watson steps back and just takes notes, expecting Sherlock Holmes to win the day. Holmes tracks down the Baker Street Butcher that has been killing and cannibalizing people for weeks. Not surprisingly, the horrible monster is in fact the Grimace, who every child knows to be a sociopath underneath that fuzzy purple exterior. Even with Holmes’ skill in fisticuffs and fencing, he seems outmatched against something so large and violet-hued. However, his dizzying intellect goes to work and deducts an important clue about the Grimace: he’s not really a large purple cone-thing, but in fact a cannibalistic hobo in a suit. Knowing the Grimace’s secret, Sherlock Holmes handily defeats the monster, since the large purple suit makes it very hard to maneuver in a fight.
However, not even Holmes is prepared for the man who was pulling the Grimace’s strings: Ronald McDonald himself. Holmes might be an evenly matched combatant for Ronald, but the scales are tipped by the fact that Holmes has a crippling fear of clowns. This is a fact that is very subtly touched upon in Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s stories – so subtly, in fact, that some people might accuse me of simply making up the fact in order to serve the means of some ludicrous plotline. But anyone who has read this page regularly knows perfectly well that I never make things up and always cite my sources. And that source, in this case is…bite me.
Upon seeing Ronald marching into battle like the meat-peddling fascist clown he is, Sherlock curls into a fetal position and begins crying out of fear. That leaves it up to Watson to save the day. Being a military man, Watson draws upon his brief experience with the British Army’s Antio-Clown Brigade (another oft-overlooked aspect that is totally taken from the original stories and not made up on the spot). Watson grabs a variety of flammable materials and throws them at Ronald, forcing the clown to revert to his basest instincts and juggle the items. One of those flaming items Watson throws is a stick of dynamite, which goes off in Ronald’s face and blows his bright red nose off. While the clown is reeling in shock, Watson proceeds to club him to death and sell his corpse to the McDonald’s Corporation. Winner: Sherlock Holmes and John Watson.
Round Nineteen: Princess Peach and Princess Daisy versus Mickey and Minnie Mouse
Peach wins a free trip to Disney World and chooses to attend, but Daisy mistakes her sudden departure as the princess being kidnapped again. Daisy rushes off to rescue her friend Peach, figuring that Mickey and Minnie are holding her hostage in the Magic Castle. In fact, Daisy is correct, as Mickey and Minnie figure that they can take out some of the competition to the Disney Princesses line by eliminating Peach, but Peach herself is simple-minded enough to believe that she actually won a free vacation. Fortunately, Daisy arrives just in time to save her friend before Mickey and Minnie drop the nice-nice act and descend upon Peach like the ravenous giant rodents they are. Daisy arrives in the repaired spaceship used by Tatanga the alien in Super Mario Land. Anyone remember that game? Anyone? Eh? Eh?
Anyway, even in an intergalactic spaceship, Daisy is in a lot of trouble taking on Mickey and Minnie on their home turf. The two mice call in the many reinforcements from around Disney World, and Daisy is forced to take off again in retreat. Fortunately, Peach has deduced what’s going on by this time and leaps after the ship, getting an extra bit of boost from Perry the magical umbrella and just barely landing in safety on Daisy’s ship. Daisy then enacts Plan B, which is to nuke Disney World from orbit. (Insert film reference to Aliens here.) Peach asks Daisy what Plan B would have been had the mice still been holding her captive, to which Daisy says, “Uh…um, let’s just play some golf.” Winner: Peach and Daisy.
Round Twenty: Spider-Man and Mary Jane versus He-Man and Orko
After battling a random supervillain, Spider-Man meets Mary Jane in the streets of New York. While heading hom, he bumps into He-Man and Orko, who are on an interdimensional trip courtesy of a spell cast by Orko that has gone awry. That causes He-Man to drop the hot dog he’s eating, and a fight breaks out when Spider-Man fails to apologize.
Hey, superhero fights have started over less.
With the power of Greyskull, He-Man takes on Spider-Man and leaves Orko to try not to mess things up against Mary Jane. MJ, having been put at peril against supervillains and even her own husband multiple times, is much better suited to a brawl than Orko. She pulls his hat over his eyes, causing his spell to go awry and resulting in Orko turning himself into a chicken by mistake.
Spider-Man, on the other hand, is having much more trouble with the super-strong, magically powered He-Man. Spidey does what a spider can, but spiders cannot defeat the protector of Eternia. Just as things are looking their worst, Mephisto (Marvel’s version of the devil) pops up and offers Spider-Man an easy way out if he will sell his marriage.
“Are you kidding?!” asks Spidey. “I’d apparently sell my marriage for a box of Twinkies!”
In one poof of hellfire, Mary Jane is no longer Spider-Man’s wife, but apparently has no problem with that. And He-Man is whisked away to Eternia, never to bother Spider-Man again.
No, I am not over the One More Day storyline. It sucks. Having a superhero sell his marriage to Satan sucks. And if you haven’t read it, just save yourself the trouble and punch Joe Quesada in the face in advance. Winner: Spider-Man and Mary Jane.
Round Twenty-One: Goku and Vegeta versus John Stewart and Stephen Colbert
Goku and Vegeta are protectors of the Earth and thus perfect targets for the mass media to drag through the mud. What are their eating habits? Are they conservative or liberal? Was Vegeta really seen cheating on his wife with Lady GaGa on the night of October 14th?
Eventually, the Saiyans snap and go after Earth. With their unbelievable power, they should make quick work of it. That’s where John Stewart and Stephen Colbert come in, standing up and asking the hard questions like, “How do you defeat a pair of psychotic and nigh-omnipotent alien beings?”
Stewart takes on Goku with cheeseburgers. While food service is really not his forte, someone has to step in and take over the McDonald’s Corporation following Ronald McDonald’s brutal death back in Round 18. Armed with more cheeseburgers than anyone could possibly eat, Stewart distracts Goku thanks to the Saiyan warrior’s insatiable appetite. The burgers don’t fill Goku up, but anyone eating that much meat from McDonald’s is bound to perish due to food poisoning, which is what happens.
Meanwhile, Stephen Colbert goes against Vegeta. Using the hordes of people who watch his show as cover while Vegeta goes a-vaporizin’, Colbert starts making jokes at Vegeta’s expense. Already possessing amazingly high blood pressure, Colbert’s barbs are enough to push Vegeta over the edge, giving him a coronary. Yes…heart attacks are serious business and can strike anyone, even someone with a power level of over 1,000,000. They are serious business. Winner: John Stewart and Stephen Colbert. This round brought to you by the American Heart Association.
Round Twenty-Two: Stan and Francine Smith versus Vincent and Jules
Stan has been hired by the CIA to take out the two stone cold killers known as Vincent and Jules. He brings along his wife because a successful assassination always puts him in a nice romantic mood. Unfortunately, once he gets into town he sees a movie poster promoting a new Jane Fonda movie and flies into a rage, thanks to his irrational hatred of her going back to the 1970s. His anti-Jane Fonda rant gets the ire of Jules Winnfield, who quite likes Jane Fonda and her films and says so out loud. This results in a gunfight, but because Stan didn’t go in prepared he is quickly shot down by the pair of assassins that team up against him.
Francine is not so much angered by the fact that her husband just got shot, since he probably has a cloned body waiting for him back at the CIA, but more upset at the fact that the two gangsters shouted multiple expletives in their attack. Such foul language will not be tolerated, and Francine leaps into the fray. Her bestial fury takes Vince completely by surprised, and she manages to bite into his jugular vein, taking him out of the fight. Jules starts backing up and firing rapidly into Francine, only dropping her when she starts foaming at the mouth. Francine falls within a few feet of Jules, and he puts two more slugs into her, just to make sure. Winner: Vincent and Jules.
Round Twenty-Three: Godzilla and Mothra versus Peter and Lois Griffin
Hey look! Godzilla and Mothra have the same general hatred for Family Guy that I have! They’ve come all the way to Quahog, Rhode Island to smash the crap out of the Griffin family. Lois runs to Peter and informs him of the trouble, to which Peter responds with a barrage of non-sequitors.
“This is just like the time I had a wardrobe malfunction at the Super Bowl halftime show!”
“This is just like my attempt to walk on the sun!”
“This is just like that time I took over Nevada!”
“This just just like-”
Sick of the pointless cutaways, Lois decks Peter across the head, knocking him cold and offering him as a sacrificial lamb to Godzilla and Mothra. Godzilla swallows the fat man whole, and is promptly too filled up to continue his battle. Lois likes her odds against Mothra alone, but it’s been a very long time since she got the episode where she was an ass-kicking wife, and her combat skills are a little rusty. Plus, Mothra is a giant radioactive moth, so just kicking it in the junk won’t do much. Mothra carries Lois over the Atlantic Ocean and drops her in, taking her out of the battle. Winner: Godzilla and Mothra.
Round Twenty-Four: Homer and Marge Simpson versus Strong Bad and Strong Mad
Dear Strong Bad,
How do you type with boxing gloves on your hands?
This email naturally enrages Strong Bad, so he gets a posse consisting of himself…and Strong Mad…and that’s it…together to take down Homer. They arrive at 742 Evergreen Terrace to raise a ruckus. Only Homer and Marge are home at the time – Bart and Lisa are in school, and Maggie’s sleeping. Ever a cunning tactician, Strong Bad tells his brother his plan: “You take the fat yellow dude, and I’ll woo the lady.”
Strong Bad draws on a twelve-pack of abs with his Ab Abber 2000 (i.e., a Sharpie pen) and expects Marge to immediately get “all upons.” Instead, realizing that her family is under attack, Marge bashes Strong Bad repeatedly over the head with a rolling pin.
Meanwhile, Homer sees Strong Bad and immediately realizes that he left a beer in the freezer. He rushes to the refrigerator to save the delicious alcohol, at which point Strong mad pushes the refrigerator over on top of Homer, crushing him. Marge rushes to Homer’s rescue and actually puts up a decent fight against Strong Mad, who “kahnt hit woomann,” but stops when she realizes she left a roast in the oven. Seeing her delicious dinner burning, Marge collapses under the collective stress that decades of running the Simpsons household has bestowed upon her and has a nervous breakdown. Strong Bad declares it a victory and steals some stuff (mostly bandages and bactine) before he and his brother leave. Winner: Strong Bad and Strong Mad.
Round Twenty-Five: Nite Owl and Rorschach versus Superman and Batman
Batman and Superman go on a wacky dimension-hopping adventure and wind up in the world of Watchmen for a short while. Batman mistakenly assumes that Nite Owl is actually Owlman, Batman’s evil counterpart from another Earth, leading into the fight. Nite Owl and Batman get into an aerial battle between Archie and the Batwing. Nite Owl manages to shoot down the Batwing, but Batman gets close enough to open the cockpit, leap out of the burning Batwing and onto the hull of Archie, fry the ship’s circuits with a Bat-EMP grenade, and then float away using a portable glider he keeps handy. Remember folks, this is Batman, the superhero with no super powers…unless you want to count being the world’s best martial artist, greatest detective, top ten stunt driver and pilot, amazing gadgeteer, and borderline psychic with his intuition an actual power.
Meanwhile, there’s Rorschach and Superman.
Superman listens to Rorschach’s mutterings and determines that he is quite clearly insane and should probably be put down. So he flies in at super speed and flicks Rorschach with his index finger, knocking the poor psycho hobo out cold. Rorschach, when he wakes up in a correctional facility, is quite distressed to see his “face” (i.e., mask) missing, but at least grateful that Superman didn’t vaporize him. It would be a real shame if a superpowered being with god-like might ever abused his powers in such a way and killed poor Rorschach because of his inability to compromise his ethics. Yep…a real shame. Winner: Superman and Batman.
Round Twenty-Six: The McManus Brothers versus Kirk and Spock
The Boondock Saints franchise seems to have the trajectory of a typical slasher franchise: make one decent movie, then follow it up with shit. Admittedly, they only have one lousy follow-up, but Boondocks Saints 2 was bad enough to make the movie seem closer to Leprechaun in Da Hood than Pulp Fiction. And so there is only one place for the McManus brothers to go – the same place that all gimmicky mass-murderers eventually wind up: space.
The McManus brothers steal aboard the Enterprise and start gunning their way through the crew. Yes, it’s totally out of character for them, but the cast of Boondock Saints already took the out-of-character leap in the sequel and have been in freefall since. And so here we are.
What will save me from turning this round into a massive rant against Boondock Saints 2? How about some Kirk and Spock two-phaser mojo? Sure, the phasers look like cell phones and the 1960s sets are cheesy, but we’ve got a shirtless Kirk and his plucky sidekick. Why is Kirk shirtless? Because not even 23rd century fabric can contain the sheer manliness that is William Shatner…I mean Jim Kirk.
So Kirk and Spock get into a phaser/gun duel with the McManus brothers. Being very experienced killers, though the McManus brothers manage to pin Kirk and Spock down in one of the corridors of the Enterprise. The fight seems to be going in their favor until Connor is inexplicably beamed out of the ship and left to die in space. When Murphy expresses his surprise at this, Spock starts to explain what just happened.
“Using the hallway control panel, I rerouted the transporters using tachyeon interference from a nearby nebula combined with reciprocating particle capacitors that manipulated the trans-warp harmonic energy of the ship, causing a magnatomic wavefront distortion of major proportions subspace teleport energy capacitor Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Besca the Third.”
Or at least that’s how it sounds to me.
Murphy is so mesmerized by Spock’s Star Trek-style technogibberish that he doesn’t notice Kirk sneaking up on him to deliver a sucker punch that takes him out and wins the round for the Enterprise crew. Winner: Kirk and Spock.
Round Twenty-Seven: Mario and Yoshi versus Picard and Riker
In the second attempted takeover of an Enterprise in as many rounds, Mario and Yoshi beam aboard the ship, not realizing that the recently kidnapped Princess Daisy is in another castle starship. Jean-Luc Picard and Will Riker respond to the crisis, but are driven off as Mario touches a flower he slipped aboard and starts launching fireballs down the corridors of the Enterprise. Picard and Riker eventually slip into the holodeck, where they run the Donkey Kong 2364 simulation. Mario and Yoshi rush into the room to find a terrifying cybernetic ape launching barrels at them with deadly precision. Not realizing that cyber-Donkey Kong is just a hologram, the two rush into this new fight. Meanwhile, Picard and Riker take Mario and Yoshi out with phasers from behind. Winner: Picard and Riker.
Round Twenty-Eight: Itchy and Scratchy versus Statler and Waldorf
Itchy and Scratchy team up against Statler and Waldorf, who have been heckling the duo since their earliest cartoons. Since the two old geezers are stuck up in their balcony seat, they should be sitting ducks. However, they duck behind their seats as the cat and mouse duo begin firing, relying on the kevlar-covered seats they had installed that night that Fozzie Bear finally snapped and tried to take them out.
Impatient, Scratchy heads up into the balcony to try to deal with the old men at close range. Itchy, however, refuses to stop firing his machinegun, and a stray bullet clips Scratchy when he gets up to the balcony. This enrages Scratchy, shattering the fragile truce the two cartoon animals had. Scratchy immediately attacks Itchy but is gunned down. With the cat’s dying breath, though, he tosses a grenade at Itchy, taking the mouse out.
With the chaos passed, Statler and Waldorf emerge from behind their seats. They’re happy with their survival, until they realize that it means they lived to see another performance of The Mupper Show. Winner: Statler and Waldorf.
Round Twenty-Nine: Sonny and Cher versus the Green Arrow and the Green Lantern
From what I’ve learned from Atop the Fourth Wall (where bad comics burn – might as well throw some love over to a pretty good review site), Batman has an eternal crusade against rock and roll. However, he’s busy fighting Rorschach and Nite Owl in the round up above, so he calls in a favor from fellow Justice Leaguers Green Arrow and Green Lantern to take out Sonny and Cher. (Anyone who points out that Sonny Bono is dead will be answered with the nonsensical explanation “Sliding time scale,” as per DC Comics custom.) The Green Arrow was already planning to confront Sonny Bono for his role as a Congressman in the late 80s/early 90s, because Sonny was a Republican which to the Green Arrow’s ex-hippie sensibilities is the same thing as Satan. Meanwhile, the Green Lantern goes after Cher.
The Green Lantern has poor luck with Cher, because she’s a fairly attractive woman (i.e., she has body parts that can fit Hal Jordan’s penis), which is enough to throw Hal off his game. He forgets about the whole “fighting to the death” thing and instead winds up flirting with Cher and attempting to get into bed with her. Cher seems to accept Hal’s advances up until the point where she can get close to him and hit him over the head with a yellow baseball bat. I know the Green Lantern no longer has the yellow weakness in comics, but it’s too funny for me to ignore in my fights continuity.
The Green Arrow, in the meantime, has a much easier time with Sonny Bono, what with him being a fairly unattractive man and not someone who tickles Oliver Queen’s womanizing fancies. Green Arrow takes Sonny out with a series of concussion arrows, then turns around to face Cher alone. Cher tries to pull the same trick she pulled on Hal, and since Green Arrow has a similar weakness for women, it almsot works. At the last moment, however, Hal pops up and takes revenge for the bonk on the head, knocking Cher out with a big green mallet. Hal, it turns out, has a quick recovery time from head injuries as a result of his repeated exposure to them. When you don’t have much of a brain left to damage, head trauma loses its edge, it seems. (For those wondering where I get the Hal Jordan head injury joke, here’s another outside link for me to plug.) Winner: Green Arrow and Green Lantern.
Round Thirty: Ash and Pikachu versus Adam and Eve
Ash and Pikachu are off the the Garden of Eden to try to catch more pokemon. Adam and Eve, however, are not about to let some punk kid and his freaky yellow mouse ruin paradise for them. They decide to go after Ash and his companion commando-style, and that’s not just referring to their clothing style. While Ash goes on safari through Eden, looking to catch one of every animal in existence, Adam and Eve sneak up in the bushes. Pikachu hears them coming, since those long ears have to be good at something, and prepares a thundershock. However, Adam and Even jump out of the bushes and start hurling rocks, which judging from the games and cartoon series seem to be Pikachu’s one weakness. The rat goes down in a hail of stones, leaving Ash to take on the duo. Ash pulls out his pokeball and tries the unique strategy of trying to capture his opponents, figuring that the human beings are too well-proportioned and realistic to fit into his crazy anime world of spiky hair and gigantic eyes and therefore must be some sort of unidentified pokemon. Eve steps forward and throws an apple from the Tree of Knowledge at Ash, and the pokeball winds up catching the apple instead. This draws the ire of God, who does not like his tree screwed around with…which is why he put it in plain view of everybody and made it the most desirable fruit-bearing piece of foliage in existence. Ash gets struck by lightning far more powerful than anything an electric mouse could generate. The blow turns him into a smoldering hunk of meat, and Adam and Eve free Ash’s pokemon, renaming them and letting them live a life without having to fight for scraps in some deranged gladiatorial battle. Winner: Adam and Eve.
Round Thirty-One: Reed and Sue Richards versus Tom and Jerry
Reed Richards acquires Tom and Jerry to act as lab animals for his experiments. He plans on treating them humanely, of course, doing things like shooting them into space, teleporting them into the Negative Zone, lighting them on fire, and other important things for science! Tom and Jerry object to such treatment and set aside their decades-long rivalry to try to defeat their oppressive tormentor. Reed quickly recruits his wife Sue to help subdue the animals, and hilarity ensues.
Having a nose for explosives, Tom instantly hunts down the weapons room of the Baxter Building and starts firing explosives all over the place. Sue uses her telekinetic bubbles to block the explosions and disable the weaponry, all the while reminding herself once again how extremely irresponsible it is for her to be raising two young children in an environment that repeatedly exposes them to dangerous radiation, alien contact, and supervillain attacks. Then again, one of the children does have Dr. Doom as a godfather, so maybe it’s not all that bad.
While Tom is keeping Sue busy, Jerry finds Reed’s more fragile equipment and starts tossing the inventions off shelves and other high places. Reed stretches his body out to immense proportions as he scrambles to stop any of his precious gadgets from breaking…especially the laser gun that shuts off his eldest son’s mental faculties – he might need that in the future. (That really happened. Reed Richards is a dick.)
Finally changing things up and going on the offensive, Sue manages to snare Tom in one of her telekinetic fields. She then turns herself invisible and sneaks up on Jerry, doing the same to him. Reed congratulates Sue on a job well done.
“Good work Sue! Now I can expose these creatures to dangerous levels of cosmic radiation in an attempt to invent a new toothbrush! Who would have thought a woman would ever wind up being useful for something?”
Sue patiently starts to count to ten, finds that she can only get to three before losing her temper, and then frees Tom and Jerry so they can teach her dickbag husband a lesson. She bows out of the fight, and Tom and Jerry turn their weapons and mischief on Reed, making short work of the stretchy scientist. Winner: Tom and Jerry.
Round Thirty-Two: Penn and Teller versus the Joker and Harley Quinn
The big question here is whether we get the pun-making, capering buffoon Joker from the 1960s or the mudering psychopath from the late 80s and beyond. Personally, I like the sick psycho who kills as punchlines but doesn’t have 1,000+ deaths on his hand every time he leaves Arkham Asylum, as seen in the late 70s and early 80s. To a lesser extent, I like Grant Morrison’s recent redesign – not the stupid no lips, split tongue thing, but the more recent look sported in the Batman and Robin comic:
Love the shades.
Anyhow, speaking of pranksters, the Joker realizes that more people are laughing at the antics of Penn and Teller than his own killings and recruits his old girlfriend Harley Quinn to help take them out. The Joker starts off by challenging Penn to a contest of humor, but people seem to find wisecracking magicians more amusing than a clown whose boutonniere squirts face-melting acid. While the Joker gets more and more enraged, Teller produces a bow and arrow set from thin air and shoots the Joker in the head. One down, just Harley Quinn to go.
Harley, of course, is much more difficult to handle once she’s been enraged at the death of her beloved “Puddin’.” Penn and Teller don’t have much in the way of combat training, but they are good escape artists who can keep Harley off-balance and guessing where they went ad infinitum. But then the Joker shows up again, good as new. Penn and Teller, like all great magicians, can’t escape death, but the Joker can.
Penn and Teller put the Joker through a variety of different hazardous tricks and death traps, only for him to pop up again and again. Each time his death looks morte certain, and each time he emerges unscathed. This is the Joker’s superpower, born from being a popular villain since the 1940s and known among some as Joker immunity. How can you kill that which cannot die? Penn and Teller don’t know – they eventually become so focused on ridding themselves of the Joker that they forget about the enraged Harley Quinn, who sicks her pet hyenas on them and tears them to shreds. Maybe someone else will figure out how to kill the Joker in the next bracket. Winner: The Joker and Harley Quinn.