The Biggest Damned Fight Ever: Rounds 81-90
Round Eighty-One: Tommy Vercetti
Seeing that there is someone more violent and more badass than himself, Tommy decides to take out Bruce Campbell, thus building his reputation throughout the underworld. He decides to attack Bruce in the streets with a chainsaw, only to find out that you never want to go after the king with his own preferred weapon. Bruce busts up Tommy’s chainsaw and sends him running for the hills. With Bruce hot on his heels, Tommy races back to his hideout and quickly changes from his Hawaiian shirt into a nice purple tuxedo. When Tommy exits his hideout, he is unrecognizable to Bruce. Sure, he has the same height, same build, same facial expressions, and he came out of the same building that Tommy went into, but he’s wearing different clothes! Bruce apologizes for the inconvenience and goes on his way. As soon as his back is turned, Tommy pulls out a golf club and tries to end things once and for all. Bruce turns around just at that moment to ask for directions, and finally puts all the pieces together. With his disguise blown, Tommy rushes back into his hideout and changes his clothes again, but it’s too late. Unlike the cops in Vice City, Bruce doesn’t fall for the same trick twice, no matter what kind of clothing his opponent changes into. With Tommy’s tricks revealed, he has no choice but to face Bruce in mortal combat. Naturally, Bruce takes the gangster apart, inheriting the entire criminal empire in the process. Round Eighty-One goes to Bruce Campbell
Round Eighty-Two: Gollum
After years of skulking and sneaking, Gollum finally finds the Ring of Power…his precious. Putting the ring on, he activates the only piece of its power that he can access: he turns invisible. He then goes about his business of sneaking about and killing small things. Unfortunately, he wanders onto a highway one night. While Bruce Campbell isn’t a malicious sort, he still runs Gollum down because he simply can’t see the little bugger. Bruce looks back to see what he hit, but the ring keeps Gollum’s corpse invisible, newly minted tire tracks and all. Ultimately, Bruce shrugs and continues on his way, assuming that it was nothing but a dip in the road. Round Eighty-Two goes to Bruce Campbell.
Round Eighty-Three: Jar Jar Binks
About ten or fifteen more miles down the same road that Gollum just got flattened on, Jar Jar Binks crosses the street. As I stated before, Bruce is not a violent man. He is, however, a hero who wants to best for humanity. As such, he runs Jar Jar down, backs over him, and then gets out of the car and lights the corpse on fire. For this action, he is enshrined as a savior of the human race and named a saint. Round Eighty-Three goes to St. Campbell, smiter of annoying evil aliens.
Round Eighty-Four: George Bush
It’s been quite a while since Bruce Campbell took out George W. Bush, but now his father is finally getting around to dealing out some vengeance. He would have gone after Bruce earlier, but the former president is getting up there in age, and his mind is slipping a bit. He’s spent the last fifty-six rounds going after trees, rocks, and large-chinned squirrels, mistaking them for his foe. Upon finally learning what Bruce actually looks like (after watching The Man With the Screaming Brain for the first time ever), Bush sets out to take on Bruce Campbell. When he finally confronts him, he uses all of his combat skills and training to dispatch the enemy. However, George Bush is really, really old these days, and Bruce Campbell is pretty much ageless. Imagine Muhammad Ali in his prime getting attacked by someone’s grandfather. Bruce gives a flick to Bush’s skull, which caves in partly from the might of Bruce’s blow and partly from the degenerative osteoperosis that currently plagues the ex-president’s skeleton. Round Eighty-Four goes to Bruce Campbell.
Round Eighty-Five: Spike Spiegel
A variety of Syndicates eventually pool their resources and put out a bounty on Bruce Campbell’s head in hopes of eliminating his threat to evil once and for all. Needing some cash, Spike takes the job in hopes of paying off his ship and maybe getting some actual food. Unfortunately, Spike isn’t the most clever of tacticians, and he basically decides to just wander in and beat up on Bruce. Spike is quite the martial artist, but his version of jeet kun do is outmatched by Bruce’s fighting style of just pound the crap out of people…um, kun do. Spike doesn’t worry too much even when it becomes apparent that he’s physically outmatched by Bruce. After all, the formula for a good bounty is that he gets his ass kicked the first time and then comes back for the win the second time around. However, Bruce doesn’t like rematches, and hits Spike hard enough to keep the bounty hunter unconscious for a month. During that month, Bruce hunts down the Syndicate members that put the hit on him and “persuades” them to call off the bounty. Spike wakes up even more miserable and broke than usual. Round Eighty-Five goes to Bruce Campbell.
Round Eighty-Six: Vash the Stampede
Vash the Stampede, the 100,000,000 double dollar man, comes to town with his message of peace and love. He runs into Bruce Campbell and starts to talk about this philosophy of nonviolence. Thinking Vash a bum, Bruce tosses him a quarter for a bus ride. Vash goes on to explain that he’s got money, which brings Bruce to the conclusion that this guy is some sort of red coat wearing hippie. He tries to get away from Vash, but the spiky-haired fiend won’t stop talking to him about peace and love. Ultimately, Bruce decides that the best way to get a moment of peace is to deck Vash in the head. Vash takes the punch and then fights back, trying to subdue but not kill Bruce. However, Bruce is much more powerful than the standard foe that he fights, and ultimately Vash’s own power goes out of control, unleashing his immense potential for destruction. Vash’s arm transforms into a big ass gun that blows a crater the size of the moon right through the Earth. The planet begins to fissure and summarily cracks as a result, which leaves Bruce and Vash floating in space. Miffed by the destruction of his planet, Bruce punches Vash into the sun. Then he gets on his cell phone and calls up Jesus, letting him know that his dad has some work to do. At Bruce’s beckoning, God shows up and fixes the Earth once again, putting this right that once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home. (Okay, so maybe Quantum Leap isn’t as topical as it was back in the early 90s, but it’s still a good show, dammit!) Round Eighty-Six goes to Bruce Campbell.
Round Eighty-Seven: Indiana Jones
Unknown to many people, Bruce Campbell also doubles as the voice of Pitfall Harry, the lead character in the very underrated Pitfall video games. Embracing the role of Pitfall Harry, Bruce journeys to some forboding jungle where he plans to recover and ancient artifact and put it in a museum, where it belongs. Another archaeologist with a similar ignorance of historical context is already on the scene and after the same idol. Naturally, this other archaeologist is Indiana Jones. Bruce and Indy meet at the base of the statue that holds the golden idol, and proceed to duke it out for the right to claim the artifact. Indy takes out his bull whip, catches it on a pillar, and goes into a swinging kick, headed right for Bruce. As Indy comes near, Bruce resorts to Harry’s traditional weapon: a gun. I don’t know why an archaeologist needs to run through a tomb shooting frogs, spiders, and bats with a revolver, but that’s what got me through my Saturday mornings on the Atari 7200. Bruce shoots Indy, and the startled Doctor Jones shatters into four separate pixels before disappearing entirely. Bruce picks up the artifact and heads to the exit. Round Eighty-Seven goes to Bruce Campbell.
Round Eighty-Eight: Lara Croft
Unknown to both Bruce and Indy, Lara Croft has been following them, seeking to take the idol for herself and prove that she is actually the best treasure hunter ever and not just a piece of eye candy with zero gravity boobs and huge lips. She goes after Bruce in a more traditional manner than Indy did, firing off guns right away and not asking questions. Bruce dodges behind some rock in the tomb and tries thinking of how he can get out from being pinned down there. Looking back at the aftermath of his fight with Indiana Jones, he gets an idea. He waits until Lara has to reload, and then dives out of his hiding spot. Grabbing Indy’s bull whip, he strikes out at Lara, grappling her wrists and forcing her to drop her guns. With Lara now tangled up, Bruce pulls her toward him with a mighty heave. Then he gives her a quick strike to the back of the head, knocking her unconscious. By the time Lara wakes up, Bruce is already long gone and she has lost the battle. Round Eighty-Eight goes to Bruce Campbell.
Round Eighty-Nine: Samus Aran
While the intergalactic bounty on Bruce has been repealed, news travels slowly in space. Samus Aran, bounty hunter and monster killer, finds the outdated info on Bruce Campbell and takes off toward Earth to collect some quick cash. She finds Bruce out for a Sunday walk in the park and goes after him. Using her morph ball ability, she rolls up into a small sphere and rolls after him incredibly fast. Bruce sees the ball coming toward him and figures that someone is inviting him to a pick-up game of soccer. He gives Samus a hard kick, senidng the bounty hunter crashing into some nearby bushes. Bruce gives a curse and a small howl of pain; kicking the strange metal ball caused him to stub his toe. Angry, he goes after the ball with a vengeance, knocking it around and ultimately punting it out of sight. Samus lands somewhere over the horizon and comes out of her morph ball. The damage to her suit is extensive, and she bails out before it malfunctions and explodes. Luckily, this leads into a possible new Metroid game, since the premise of any new game in that series always seems to be Samus having to build up the powers on a new suit for some reason. Round Eighty-Nine goes to Bruce Campbell.
Round Ninety: Agent 47
The Agency hires out Mr. 47 to take out Bruce Campbell. Since 47 likes money and killing, he’s more than happy to comply. He surveys his target and eventually comes up with a fool proof plan to defeat him. He’ll use his disguise abilities to dress up like Bruce Campbell himself, killing the real deal in the resulting confusion. Sneaking into Bruce’s wardrobe, 47 changes clothes and puts his plan into action. He comes out of the room a few minutes later, meeting face to face with Bruce himself.
“Who are you?” asks Bruce.
“I’m Bruce Campbell,” replies 47, silently laughing at the genius of his plan.
“Um, no you’re not.”
“Yes I am.”
“No, you’re just a bald guy dressed in my clothes.”
47 frowns, surprised that someone could see through his clever disguise. Mustering no better response, he simply retorts, “Shut up! I am so Bruce Campbell!”
“No, you’re definitely not me. And if you’re not me, that means that by default, you must be out to kill me.”
Okay, so I don’t know of any Hitman game where 47 says “Zounds!” or talks like that at all. But it gets you thinking…maybe he should. Maybe the word zounds is what’s missing from video games today…or maybe not.
Anyway, realizing that his cover is blown, 47 draws his pistols. Bruce draws faster, though, and shoots 47 dead. It seems that Bruce has taken a lesson from Charlton Heston and now keeps guns at his breakfast table. Now all you liberal bitches looking to control deadly weapons in our society can shut your yaps, because Bruce Campbell has proven the importance of owning guns and shooting anyone who interrupts one of your meals. Round Ninety goes to Bruce Campbell.