The Biggest Damned Fight Ever: Rounds 21-30
Round Twenty-One: Goku
After long days of marching, Bruce Campbell stumbles in the wasteland and passes out. When he awakes, he finds that he has been carried off by some strange dwarf-like race that always seems to inhabit barren wastelands and save the hero when dramatically appropriate. Imagine something like the Munchkins and the Ewoks, only hairless and mute. Naturally, they’ve also rescued a dazzlingly beautiful blonde bombshell that immediately falls immediately falls in love with Bruce. The hairless mute Munchkiwoks prepare a feast for our hero and his newfound babe. However, just a preparations are complete, Goku flies by and immediately horns in on the meal, stuffing his face with all of the delicious food.
Now, I’d like to pause here for a moment and talk about how angry Dragonball Z makes me. There are some really good characters, plots, and stories being told there. Unfortunately, it’s all overshadowed by the incredibly long, really drawn out fights that don’t do anything to advance the plot and usually feature the same animations repeated ad nauseum for 50 episodes before anything good happens. It’s like being promised a thick, juicy steak but being told that you have to eat 20 bowls of elephant crap first.
The point of my rant? Well, the hostility that has grown within me due to the hours that I wasted watching and downloading DBZ episodes finally erupts in a massive psychic explosion that even Bruce Campbell feels. His brain is suddenly filled with hatred for Goku as the stupid saiyan stuffs his slovenly face. Furious, Bruce grabs Goku by the hair and nails his eyelids to the floor. Then he storms out with his trophy wench and into the wasteland again. Round Twenty-One goes to Bruce Campbell.
Round Twenty-Two: The Powerpuff Girls
After a one-night fling with his token babe, Bruce hops aboard Goku’s magical cloud Nimbus and flies across the Atlantic toward his home. On the way, he crosses through the City of Townsville, where he immediately attracts the notice of the dull-witted mayor. The mayor’s thought process goes something like this:
Man flying on cloud = man with super powers.
(I like bananas.) Man with super powers who is not the Powerpuff Girls = dastardly super villain (Why is there a fat Chinese man sucking my toe?)
Convinced that Bruce Campbell is a super villain out to destroy the city, the mayor calls in the Powerpuff Girls to deal with him. The girls do what they do best and fly out to smack Bruce around a bit. Since they’re paragons of truth, justice, and the Townsville way, they don’t go for cheap shots and aim to land their punches right on the chin. As we all know, Bruce Campbell’s chin can kill, and the Powerpuff Girls break their fists trying to smack Bruce around. Bruce continues on unabated.
“Jeez…I hate freakin’ midgets,” he mutters. He then lights a cigar and continues flying, tossing the match away. A spark from said match catches fire to one of Townsville’s buildings, forcing the Powerpuff Girls to abandon their fight and said the city. They end the day broken, battered, and burned, but at least the resulting fire managed to chase away the half-dozen monsters that would have otherwise attacked the city that day. That Bruce Campbell…what a guy! Round Twenty-Two goes to Bruce Campbell.
Round Twenty-Three: Charlie’s Angels
No, they’re not my angels. My angels would be some sort of wicked sweet large breasted ninja-Viking hybrid with wrist-mounted laser guns. And instead of doing all that spy stuff, they’d probably spend their days bringing me nachos and exotic-flavored salsas while rocking out on electric guitars. Instead, the angels in this round are the three wanna-be spies from the Charlie’s Angels movies (and, before that, the only slightly better TV series).
Nimbus eventually disperses because, well, how long can a cloud support the weight of a full grown man with a granite chin anyway? Bruce finds himself on a beach where Charlie’s Angels are running around with guns and bikinis while shooting at random things thinking that said action will cover for the fact they suck. Thinking quickly, Bruce grabs Bosley to use as a bullet shield. He then waits patiently until the incompetent but mildly attractive spies accidentally shoot each other, killing them all. Bruce tosses Bosley into the water and finally goes home for a long, restful sleep. Round Twenty-Three goes to Bruce Campbell.
Round Twenty-Four: Darph Bobo
For once, Bruce gets a good night’s sleep without being attacked. He has a nice hearty breakfast and decides to head out and see the circus, which should make for an enjoyable day. Naturally, things go awry when he is under the big top, as the performers are suddenly struck dead by bolts of lightning. As the crowd gasps, Darph Bobo enters the center ring, explaining that he has taken over the circus and ordering everyone to remain seated as they are his new slaves. Much to Darph Bobo’s dismay, he has neglected to place guards at the entrances, and so everyone panics and runs away, leaving Bobo with a lot of dead bodies but no slaves. The Darph clown is even more annoyed when Bruce Campbell rushes onto the scene, grabs a custard pie from one of the dead clowns, and hit Darph Bobo square in the face with it. Bobo stumbles backward a bit before wiping the custard off his face and glaring at his foe.
“Do you really think a simple pie is enough to defeat me?” he asks, drawing his lightsaber as he speaks.
“No,” replies Bruce. “But I think my fist should be enough.” As he speaks, Bruce delivers a badass right cross that floors the Darph…whatever a “Darph” is. Bobo goes down in a heap, and Bruce picks up the clown’s lightsaber…just in case. Round Twenty-Four goes to Bruce Campbell.
Round Twenty-Five: Darth Maul
Darth Maul, one of the filthy rejects from George Lucas’s ill-conceived Star Wars prequels, has been tracking Darph Bobo ever since the clown killed him. (How did he come back? The Force. Or magic. Oh wait…that’s the same thing.) Ultimately, he only finds the clown’s dead body. He departs the circus of doom, hell-bent on exacting vengeance for the man who killed his foe. He eventually encounters Bruce Campbell and attacks immediately.
“Look at me! I look like the Devil! And I have a double-bladed lightsaber! And I don’t talk much! And I have horns on my head! Isn’t that scary?! BLARRRGH!!!”
You know what…this guy isn’t even good enough to fight Bruce Campbell. Instead Bruce brings in his friend Gene Simmons, lead singer of KISS, and hands him Darph Bobo’s lightsaber. Gene proceeds to slaughter that annoying Sith while Bruce goes to watch a monster truck race. Big Foot rocks. Round Twenty-Five goes to Bruce Campbell by proxy. If Gene Simmons > Darth Maul and Bruce Campbell > Gene Simmons, then Bruce Campbell > Darth Maul. Math rules.
Round Twenty-Six: Animal
Sure, Animal could get into a physical fight with Bruce Campbell, but we all know that he wouldn’t stand a chance there. After all, he’s really just a sock, and while he might be able to annoy Bruce, felt isn’t exactly a deadly weapon. So instead, this round is not a physical fight but instead a battle of the bands, with Animal facing off on the drums and Bruce Campbell on the electric guitar. While Animal definitely rocks out on the drums, I have no evidence that remotely suggests that Bruce has the least bit of talent musically. However, considering that this fight is largely based on the premise that Bruce Campbell is at least a demi-god, I’m going to assume that he has at least some ability to rock. Animal has the edge talent-wise in the initial riffs, but Bruce’s stage charisma manages to sway most of the crowd over to his side regardless. Frustrated, Animal kicks up the tempo a notch, launching into a frantic drum solo that begins to give him the upper hand. In response, Bruce cranks up the base and starts strutting his stuff, resulting in another stalemate. The battle gets more and more intense until Animal comes close to having a brain aneurism and Bruce’s guitar shakes the Earth itself. Finally, the enormous power of the guitar’s base opens up a fissure beneath Animal, sending the muppet plummeting to the planet’s core where he becomes a slave to the Mole People. Round Twenty-Six goes to the apparently musically talented Bruce Campbell.
Round Twenty-Seven: The Tasmanian Devil
Drawn by the music of the Rock Concert of Doom, the Tasmanian Devil sees a large crowd and immediately thinks feeding frenzy. He spins, growls, and spits his way onto the scene, causing the crowd to disperse lest they be eaten. Naturally, Bruce has no fear of the fury little thing and stands his ground. He is rewarded for his courage with a bite from Taz. Bruce gives a shout of pain and smacks the Tasmanian Devil away, and the battle is on. Caught as off guard as he is, Bruce finds himself at an immediate disadvantage to Taz, who is nature’s little atom bomb. Finally, he gets rid of the little brown critter the only way he knows how: by grabbing a fistful of dynamite (conveneitnly located in a nearby barrel) and letting Taz eat his hand. Taz makes his way halfway up Bruce’s forearm before the TNT goes off, splattering little bits of Tasmanian Devil all over. Gritting his teeth in pain, Bruce wanders off and tries to decide if he should replace his hand with cybernetics, a cloned limb, or the good old fashioned chainsaw. Round Twenty-Seven goes to Bruce Campbell.
Round Twenty-Eight: George W. Bush
Bruce Campbell ultimately decides to graft an experimental anti-tank laser gun onto his stub of an arm, which makes him even cooler than before. News reaches Texas that there is someone more popular than George W. Bush, and he decides to deal with matters himself. (Okay, there are a lot of people more popular than Dubya, but neither he nor the United States intelligence are the brightest stars in the nebula.) Declaring Bruce Campbell a terrorist, Bush hops into a fighter jet and flies out like someone who knows what he’s doing rather than the more obvious answer. By the time he gets to the fight, he’s all but forgotten what’s going on and is already practicing his “Mission accomplished” speech when Bruce uses his new laser hand to blast the jet out of the sky. Bush bails out, but chokes on his own tongue on the way down. Round Twenty-Eight goes to Bruce Campbell.
Round Twenty-Nine: Al Gore
Still upset at blowing the 2000 election, Al Gore launches a coup against America, which goes quite well since he is a clean-burning solar-enhanced deathbot in disguise. He sets up residence in the White House, and Bruce has to go take Gore ou. It’s no easy task; the Gorebot is an incredibly strong and durable machine whose cybernetic skeleton is strong enough to withstand even Bruce’s laser hand. Luckily, Bruce always has an ace up his sleeve. Gore punches Bruce clear through the White House wall and into a nearby park. Thinking quickly, Bruce grabs the nearest log and shoves it up Gore’s ass, restoring him to the dull, personality-less Al Gore who served as vice president during the Clinton administration. With the passion removed, it’s pretty easy for Bruce to beat Gore into submission, drag him to a convenience store, stick his head in a microwave, and let the wonderful radiation do its work to short out Gore’s robotic brain. Round Twenty-Nine goes to…guess who?
Round Thirty: Sephiroth
Probably the greatest villain of the venerable Final Fantasy franchise, Sephiroth has been used sparingly in these fights because he’s too darned good. Now he appears as the obligatory boss battle for Bruce Campbell to cap out the first thirty rounds of this fight.
In terms of power, Sephiroth has few equals. He is an excellent swordsman with more than a little magical capability. Swooping down from the skies, he almost decapitates Bruce immediately, and only our hero’s keen awareness is enought to keep the fight from ending quickly. Bruce dodges aside and prepares for battle, but he finds himself overmatched by Sephiroth’s huge ass sword that prevents anyone from getting into close quarters. Regardless, Bruce puts up a valiant fight, and Sephiroth has to resort to magic in an attempt to end it. He summons up a solar flare that brings the sun itself down from the sky to touch Bruce. No living creature can survive such an attack, and Sephiroth turns to walk away victorious.
But the fight isn’t over yet.
After the smoke clears and the fires die down, Sephiroth turns his head in surprise to find that Bruce is still standing. His shirt is burned and ash covers his face, but he remains largely unharmed. He’s just so darned cool that he can tolerate solar-level heat. However, surviving the surface of the sun did take something out of him, and Sephiroth uses that momentary weakness to impale Bruce with his sword.
Round over, right?
Not quite. Summoning all of his willpower, Bruce grabs the sword and actually pushes it further into him, forcing Sephiroth within arms reach as a result. When a shocked Sephiroth is at point blank range, Bruce levels his laser hand at the white-haired villain and fires full blast into Sephiroth’s face. Bruce pulls the sword out of himself and staggers away on the brink of death.
Now the round is over. Provided that his injuries don’t kill him before the next round, Round Thirty goes to Bruce Campbell.