Pinky and the Brain versus Danger Mouse and Penfold

What are we doing tonight? The same thing we do every night: pit two tag teams against one another in a grotesquely childish fight!Who remembers Danger Mouse? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Okay, well I’m sure plenty of people know of Pinky and the Brain, the wacky mouse duo who began on Animaniacs and went on to gain their own show. Brain’s a supergenius lab rat who wants to conquer the world, but Pinky’s stupidity is always getting in the way. Danger Mouse was one of my favorite cartoon characters as a kid, but seems to live in obscurity these days. He’s the greatest secret agent in the world, so secret that his codename has a codename. Penfold is his cowardly hamster sidekick whose general incompetence serves to emphasize Danger Mouse’s coolness. With Brain seeking to conquer the world, it’s up to Danger Mouse to stop him…provided that Pinky and Penfold don’t flub things up on their end.

Round One:
“Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?”

“The same thing we do every night, Pinky…lament the fact that we’re no longer on cable television!”

Since getting canceled ten years ago, the Brain’s plots have begun to focus less on world domination and more on getting back into the limelight that he secretly craves. Ultimately, he has decided that the best way to get back on television is to take over the world, so he dusts off some of his old plans. The British secret service has a great deal of technology, both built by them and confiscated from villains, that Brain needs in order to complete his newest plan for world conquest. Unfortunately, he’s a little rusty from his world domination layoff and isn’t sure exactly how to start. He tries to bounce a few ideas off of Pinky, but his dim-witted cohort is never pondering what the Brain is pondering, instead opting to go off on random tangents, “If they called it Tweeter instead, there would be copyright issues, wouldn’t there?” The discussion quickly gives the Brain a splitting headache, which in turn gives him an idea. Acting quickly, the pair sneak out of their cages and stow away on a plane bound for England.

At the British secret service, the Brain sends Pinky right through the front door. Pinky is stopped by Penfold, who immediately questions what he’s doing there. As normal, though, Pinky replies in nonsensical ramblings punctuated by nonsequitors and plenty of “Narfs” and “Zorts.” The random use of those nonsense words fascinates Penfold, who believes that it is some sort of secret code. Penfold calls the rest of the available agents to question Pinky, creating the diversion the Brain needs. He slips in undetected to the inner lair of Britain’s rodent military intelligence, one step closer to the devices he needs to take over the world. Round One goes to Pinky and the Brain.

Round Two:
All of the compound is busy trying to get Pinky to make some sense, but Danger Mouse is conspicuously absent. That’s because he’s in his quarters doing his training for the day, which involves balancing upside down on one finger and hopping around. That’s what he’s doing when the Brain comes across him. Danger Mouse immediately recognizes Brain as an intruder and engages in pursuit. However, he can’t just end his yoga-hopping training, so he follows after the Brain one pinky-hop at a time. The Brain decides to shake Danger Mouse by knocking him out of his stance and charges, repeatedly bashing Danger Mouse with his large cranium. Danger Mouse is eventually overwhelmed by the attack and knocked over, after which the Brain takes off running. Round Two goes to Pinky and the Brain.

Round Three:
Temporarily stunned by his fall, Danger Mouse stands up in disgrace. Once on his feet, though, he comes to an important realization: it is much easier to chase after a bad guy by running rather than by hopping on your pinky finger. Which this realization, Danger Mouse catches up to the Brain and clobbers him. The Brain, always a thinker rather than a fighter, goes down in one punch. Danger Mouse takes the Brain into custody and passes by the front desk in the process, where Pinky is still baffling Penfold.

“Good grief,” mutters Danger Mouse. “He’s just an idiot!”

Leaving it ambiguous as to who he’s talking to, Danger Mouse sucker punches Pinky, capturing him as well. On the down side, Pinky and the Brain are sent to jail. On the bright side, their exploit gets them into the paper, which soothes the Brain’s need for publicity for a short while.

“So Brain, what do you want to do tomorrow night?”

“The same thing we’ll be doing every night for the next ten years, Pinky…try to avoid being anally violated in prison!”

Round Three and the fight go to Danger Mouse. Penfold too, but he really didn’t do much of anything, did he?

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