George W. Bush versus Al Gore

God...what a miserable pair of choices we had in 2000.This is a revisit of the 2000 presidential election that will hopefully be more entertaining than the actual election was. Dubya is a jackass republican running for president, and Al Gore is Mr. Roboto himself.

Round One:
This fight is going to be a steel cage deathmatch. The two candidates will be placed in a steel cage levelled hundreds of feet into the air and forced to slug it out to the death. We have guards trained to shoot for the kill if one tries to escape, and there is no time limit.

Now although both candidates have had military training, we must remember that one was courageously reporting on the Viet Nam War and the other was bravely defending Texas from those damned Viet Cong, so their military “service” shouldn’t factor in here.

Bush opens up with a series of stunning blows. It’s like he’s operating on crack (surprise surprise). He pummels Gore with a left, a right, a kick to the groin, and a fishhook. It looks like Gore’s on the ropes (although his simulation of pain is less than convincing) when all of the sudden, Bush stops, distracted by a rather conspicuous nosebleed. In his momentary weakness, Gore sucker punches him. Round One goes to Al Gore.

Round Two:
Bush picks himself up shakily, reaching into his jacket for something. Now guns are completely allowable, and we did pay to see blood, so our snipers don’t take him out. As it turns out, Bush pulls out a cellphone, and attempts to call his daddy to bail himself out. Unfortunately for junior, Bush’s dad is off doing something in the oil fields, and can’t be bothered to do such a paltry thing as save his son’s life…not that we’d let him get close anyway.

Gore grabs the cellphone, crushes it with his bare hands, and continues to brutally pummel Bush. Now there’s the blood we payed for. Round Two goes to Al Gore.

The Gorebot 2000

The Gorebot 2000

Round Three:
In a last ditch attempt to save his oily hide, Bush tears into Gore, attempting to score some points for desperation (not that we give any). Gore is unphased by this flurry of attacks, even when Bush sinks his claws into Gore’s face and rips half the skin off.

The result makes Bush wet himself and cringe in a corner. Underneath Al Gore’s cold, robotic exterior is a cold, robotic interior. Bush tries to scramble out of the cage to escape the glowing red eyes and the steel skeleton of his opponent, but to no avail.

“I can’t let you do that, George.”

Gore grabs Bush by each ankle and makes a wish. Round Three and the match goes to Al Gore, who lives up to his name.

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